New Weight Loss Plan

This past weekend I discovered a new weight loss plan and thought I should pass it on to you. You must follow my directions exactly or it may not work for you. First, go to Red Robin and order a turkey burger for dinner. Once you get the burger take notice that the inside of the burger looks peachy colored meaning it is not cooked fully. Then tell yourself you are just being paranoid since you don’t really like eating meat anyway and tend to be overly picky with it. So just eat the thing. Phase one done.
Next, wake up the next morning and just shrug off those weird stomach feelings as hunger and eat some cereal. Take kids to the local festival where it is 102 degrees and sweat your a** off. Notice the stomach gurgling, headaches, and lack of appetite but just ignore them once more. Finally head home and spend the next several hours on the toilet completely cleaning out your insides. Very important step here. Try to lay down between baby feedings and take notice that you are absolutely freezing even though the thermostat says your room is 80 degrees and you are covered in blankets. Finally put two and two together and take your temperature. Mine spiked at 102, it was just a coincidence that this was the outside temperature that day. Your temp could vary slightly. Take hot bath to sweat a little then lay down again. Phase two complete.
Finally, ask hubby to take kids and lay down for the night. Notice that now you are feeling clamy, no longer freezing, and will constantly wake up in cold sweats. Wake up next morning still feeling queazy in the stomach but overall much better. Your temperature should now be back to normal. Next you need a good shower to make you feel better. Oh, and don’t forget to accidently shit in the shower. This was my favorite part. Phase three complete.
Finally, get kids ready and head downtown for lunch at Cheesecake Factory. Your food will probably have no taste at this point which is a shame because their food is so good. You will only be able to stomach a few bites anyway. Head over to the theatre for the live showing of Dora the Explorer’s Pirate Adventure. Note, you may have some nervousness about crapping your pants during the show, but this did not happen to me, luckily. Phase Four, the final step, is now complete.
I know many of you are thinking this all sounds good except Phase Four. You may think about skipping this phase. But how could you? This was Syd’s first show ever. And it was her idol, Dora and all her friends. We even had VIP tickets. About 4 rows from the stage. It was a little nerve racking but very worth it. Her little face just lit up when Dora came on stage. “Oh, Oh, Oh, It’s Doh.” Too precious to miss.
Oh and I forgot. Wake up next morning for workout with personal trainer. This one consisting of trade offs between weights and kickboxing. Sure to give you a slight headache and plently of heavy breathing. But you should feel pretty much back to normal by day three. This plan results in a pretty miserable weekend for you. But I gaurantee you will lose a couple of pounds. Worth it to you?